20's crisis

 As the past few days felt heavier than ever, problems at work and simply my mind can't just quite shut the fuck up, It's 3:35 am, and I'm sipping my coffee, and just realize and think in silence. Why am I that way? Can we call it a defense mechanism or mental instability? Am I too lustful or simply I'm just a human being? A lot of sides in me start to fight each other, how can I be so loving yet so fucking avoidant at the same exact time? But here's the deal, what I noticed and tbh just works for me, that I really don't need to judge myself too much, "just a little", cause I tend to remember that I way created in that specific way, a way that is beautiful.  مش بحب اسيب نفسي لنفسي, بس الواحد ساعات بيغلط, و يندم و يرجع يغلط تاني, و يتوب و يعيط و يستغفر و يرجع تاني. و في اللحظات اللي زي ديه, لحظة خشوع مش بكون بيعيط علي قد ايه انا ظلمت نفسي او حتي ايه قد انا اخفقت و لكن ببقي بعيط من وسع رحمة ربنا. رحمته وسعت كل شئ. To me that was almost a reminder, a thin...

 Sipped all my coffee and while doing so was listening to the one and only "شفيقة - جاي بيشكي راجع يبكي" what a great choice especially that it's the Valentine, I can't help but switch it to "Lovesong - Adele", "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I'm whole again". After a long week, I couldn't help but miss this, this moment of total peace, coffee, and a song of my choice, where I get out all that's on my mind and hit "Publish".  There are a lot of things I'm grateful for in my life, the materialistic and the non materialistic, and especially moments when the world just feels extra quite, and the wind is just playing with my hair, I stand and I wonder. Wonder, about yesterday, tonight and tomorrow, wonder, whether that peace I feel with myself could be shared with "another". In my opinion, love isn't only about the good times, the tension nor the laughs, but one of the hardest things to sh...

As I take a sip from my coffee, I remember how I would dance and sing in my car, get out of the window and even recklessly scream, where I call, and hit "يلا ؟". Random walks in Wust Elbalad, Elzamalek and visits to Sakyet El Sawy. Listening to "فاكرة - مسار اجباري", I love this song, one of my favorites, as the melody is kind of playful but the lyrics just tell a different story.  I'm indeed very tied to music and places, yet I miss the scent of my freshly watered plants, and even some personalities of mine, I remember Iram who would post weird shit on her Instagram stories, taking random photos of whatever shit I used to find cool. I miss that version of me. And as my personality evolved over time, situations and people I've met along the way. I can't help but wonder, I mean it's all part of the process, a part of the journey.  Right now, adapting a mentality of "time is money", and my energy isn't for everybody, I'm a more mature...