Mmm wifey enough or not wifey enough?

 I can't help but lay, rot, doom scroll, and waste my potential. These few days that pass like ages, I tend to hang on to memories, vivid dreams and weird fantasies. Coffee all day long, sleepless, restless. Bored, action-less "if that's even a word", wasted potential, wasted time. 

A lot have been on my mind recently. I'm in a point in my life that I can't go on yet I've given up on a life that used to bother me. Yet, too "PUSSY" to yk start living to my full potential.

Today, was tied all daylong to my bed, rotting and watching self help, character development "how to change your life in 30 days" reels typ shyt on Instagram, these day when these videos start to sound like a fucking joke. "How to be the best version of yourself" that's the one that really bothers me the most, Why would I want to change my life and be unrecognizable ? Why would I want to do that? Is it because that I already like myself and like how I am, maybe the truth is that I'm indeed to "coward" to do it.

So for the next 30 days I'll try and to actually do it. Show up, at work, in the gym, and stop fucking myself over. There are some real bad qualities that I hate about myself. Being late, lousy and sometimes loud, and I even hate it so much when I act masculine or even when I show my soft weak side. I hate it when I feel powerless, reminds me of when I had fights with my father. 

Speaking about my soft weak side or my unresolved childhood trauma or the daddy issues, What I mean by my soft weak side isn't that I rot in bed or feel powerless, it's just when I feel alone, all by myself in this huge ass world. Feeling overwhelmed I start to cry, I remember that one time at work when I cried my eyes out just because someone complimented the jacket I was wearing. It was my dad's I miss him, and while writing this "تيمور و شفيقة" was playing in the background, the classic Egyptian rom-com that we all love. And there I lay on the couch, the laptop on my lap and I'm sitting there sobbing like a baby. It's beautiful how she and him evolved in there lives and still ended up together, and that had me wondering....

Did she become a Minister because she had this "تيمور"?

And even if they ended up together why was he always avoidant ? Flashback to the مشهد الكورنيش when he denied everything that was between them? But is it a man that's missing so I can really perform?

A providing father? A loving boyfriend? Hell nah. To me that doesn't sound right. I sometimes even feel like I'm not that "wifey". I will be, eventually, hopefully, yea we'll see about that. Anyways, I left a stable lowkey "high income" job 2 months ago, it wasn't that "high income" but for a 19 year old with little responsibilities, tbh it was more than enough. 

The fake lock in ass phase, when my stupid little ass thought that I would be so much better off working from home, on my cracked ass laptop as a sales agent as if my siblings are too "tamed" not to fight every 10 to 15 minutes. But let's get into that later on, I mentioned this because one thing that really bothered me the most at my recent job, which was my first job ever is that "I didn't know how to set boundaries". One of the things that made me think mmm that's why I'm not "wifey" enough. Without getting into much detail that is one of the things that I'd love to include in my "30 days I'm changing" Journey. 

I'll try and post a blog everyday with some thoughts on my mind so I wouldn't go insane. And I still don't know If having the right man in your life as a female is a real motive or not. I would like to hear some nice words after a long day at work, or even yap to him a little, but me after a hard day at work all I'm thinking of is how my bed really needs me, so I don't think that's the right move. Okay, so maybe call him when you wake up, so "what if he has something to say and I'm not in the mood to listen to any of his yapping?" or even better, I would really prefer to have a hot cup of black no sugar no milk no nothing cup of coffee with some music in the background while putting on my heavy liner, I overdo that shit I feel like I'm not able to see clearly, Anyways, do you get what I'm trying to make a point of here?, No space, no time, no energy for a partner at the moment, And still I'm trying to figure out so many things in life first before putting on a ring on my finger. So when I'm done when the things on my list "being wifey enough to marry" would be a box that's been checked. "Wifey enough or not wifey enough" instead of "does he love me or does he love me not?" 

A blog where my weird thoughts are shared openly, a "nearly" 20 year old still trying to figure life and herself out. 

                                                        

"برجاء الدعاء فضلا و ليس امرا"