Empty

 Listening to "Hundred Dollar Bill - Lana Del Rey", sipping my Birell from the chicest wine glass I could find. Strangely enough my last blog got more views than what I anticipated. I feel like I'm always too rational, always too driven by emotions, yesterday something happened, I thought I was going to go all insane, and even curse, but I just couldn't get myself to care. You know, sometimes when you want something so bad, but running too much after it, doesn't make it worth it anymore. "Just too much effort for not so much results", "صفقة خسرانة".

I was thinking today about whether or not validation is related to dopamine, or maybe even related to "self worth"? As I mentioned I'm drinking Birell, but I didn't always like how it tasted, my father was always the one who would get it, 

فاكرة حتي و انا صغيرة كان يقولي اه يا ارم اصلها كويسة علشان الكلي و الحصاوي و كلام كبير كده

بابا هات بق -

As I got older, it became a habit of mine to drink it, but I always wondered why would I take a sip from him, maybe because I thought that "okay, we might have something in common", or maybe it was some ass shit I was doing as a kid to get his attention, "oh yes, that's it". Get his attention, but would that make me an attention seeker? Am I an attention seeker. I feel like I'm a seductive person with an irresistible persona, not really I thought I was a "pick me" type of girl. 

Get his attention, remember the shit we used to do as kids to get our parents attention, we would scream, fight, sing, draw, the shit a regular kid would do, But not getting that needed attention as a kid? What could be the consequences, an empty person? A person who wants to be the center of attention, not a persona, but a fake ass unbearable piece of pussy, that was a bit harsh. 

"Self Validation" which as Google says "The Act of recognizing and accepting your own thoughts, feelings and experiences" which is fucking sexy in my opinion, cause if you ask me, I'm not waiting for someone to tell me how my blogs are fucking amazing, I just read what I wrote back to myself, take the last sip from whatever I'm drinking, smile and hit Publish". I had a conversation with one of my dearest friends ever, gave me a piece of advice, you stand in front of a mirror everyday and say "ده انا ان*ك بلد". 

And as attention from others, sounds amazing,  I'm not trying to make it a reason of why I view myself as someone who has self worth, cause I know people who would feel "empty" if they didn't have someone licking their asses. They would fill their lives with people who simply are just there, "شخصيات مهمشة". Empty from the inside out. But, would that make it enough for you to even start feeling appreciated, you'll never get enough, a void that only gets deeper.

However, I'm sitting all alone, everyone is sleeping and I'm drinking my Birell  "علشان الحصاوي بتاعتي انا

 بقي", 

"ده انا ان*ك الدنيا مش بلد بس"

- As I mentioned that attention is lowkey nice, I feel like I'd like to hear some opinions, feel free to text me, call me or come over, nah I'm joking,