Carrie Bradshaw from Cairo

 I never really though I'd be writing ever in my life, openly. So, a brief of who am I. My name, I'll mention that later. A 20 year old from Cairo, Egypt. Facing life, growing up, learning and indeed suffering. One of the main things of why I wanted to start writing about this is because I want to romanticize my life and maybe have an overview so I can take clearer actions. What is life? What do I need to do in order to be successful, accomplished and happy? How can I still enjoy life while not feeling bad about certain things.

 One thought that  just occurred to me while writing this is that I want to be just like Carrie Bradshaw while writing her columns. I can't help but wonder what is it that's preventing me from enjoying life to the core. I want to experience life, not wait for a certain lifestyle or a certain amount in the bank so I can then start to know what "living" feels like. 

A 20 year old girl, living in Cairo. curly hard headed, full of rage still there's a place for love inside of me. I'm trying to figure out life. Still I don't know if  I'm "overthinker", I hate this word tbh, reminds me of the teenage girls who date and when their families find out they hit them with" يا ماما ده هو الوحيد اللي بيفهمني" , Nigga, shut yo bitch ass up. I can't deny that I was such a hard teenager to raise. Very hard headed, scared, untamed. I remember that one time when my father and I had this fight, I was super angry, I chopped half of my hair off. Always been that reckless tbh. 

I take decisions when I'm feeling emotional which is a habit that I need to stop or at least put a limit to. Currently studying IT which is sth that to my core was trying to avoid cause I'm not a tech savvy nor do I like coding and all that shit, I was trying to become a mechanical engineer, I was trying to become all greased up. It's always been a hobby of mine to use masculine tools. Hammers, clippers idk you name it. 

I like who I'm becoming, still there are a bunch of qualities that I hate about myself. Things that are making me feel like I'm way behind in life and not achieving my full potential, now these are the thoughts that keep me up at night, keep me wondering why am I like this? So attached vivid vague memories, و اوقات كتير اوي بحس اني بعلق خيبتي علي شماعات كتير اوي

 اوقات تانية في حياتي بحس اني اجمد بني ادمة فيكي يا بلد اوقات تانية بحس اني استاهل اوي و اوقات اخري العكس. كل حاجة و عكسها و اوقات كتير بتبقي في وقت واحد .

I think that's just a part of who I am and tbh I'm not trying to resist it but accept it. That curly headed who likes dark chocolate and espressos.

Sometimes I tend to really hate myself, hate who I am, sins, fears, even my sense of humor, hate how I judge. Hate how materialistic I feel sometimes, But what I really do hate is that I sometimes just say "fuck it" that will be my personality for this day, I simply don't care and I don't even have to the energy to fight it. 

It says that good things take time, did I also mention that I'm such an impatient person. I don't feel like completing this. or even making it feel like I put in the effort. I'm just playing "Blues Spanish Hotel - Chris Isaak" and letting all the words be typed through my fingers.