Dunkin - 28th Nov

After a day long of crying and listening to sad songs so that "I can feel something" it's safe to say to mission completed successfully. Right now, sipping my coffee at dunkin. While listening to some Frank Sinatra. Still trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I woke up today and I wrote the most depressing, pathetic ass blog post ever, decided not to post it eventually cause what the fuck was that. What the fuck was that night even about.

But for the ass part. Here you go. I've been feeling unworthy, under appreciated and mostly desperate. Maybe it was my daddy issues that made me see myself in such way. I hate truly that part of me. And I hate it even more when it starts to take control of me. But here I am trying to manage everything. For the past 1 and half year. I completely drifted away from my true self and accepted things I don't even deserve. All I could hear for right now is my grandma's voice of her saying, "يا ارم فوقي لنفسك"، idk. It's just a part of me that will take some time to fade and then I'm good to go. 

This dynamic made me get into a lot of mess. A lot of fuck ass shit I don't even deserve. And even if I find a true man that will truly love me and that bullshit. It will make me think okay, now he doesn't deserve this. I'll ruin his fucking entire life with my bipolar ass and my big biceps. I think I've gone insane. I'm still a mess. Still trying to figure a lot of things out. Healing? Nah don't even get me started. I hate this word from the deepest bottom of my heart. Like what the fuck I'm suppose to do. Actives or homework so I can understand myself more ? Nah fuck that shit. Now the mindset I have is " I just need to make more money so I can enjoy more coffee and my regular strolls in downtown". I don't want to start dating unless that I feel that I can give truly 100% of what the fuck they're giving in relationships now a days. 

And I can't help but wonder why am I like this? Imagine this. Me at a date. It's going pretty good and that shit, well, if it's goes too well imma be blocking the fuck out of this person. Cause then it's too good to be true and then I wouldn't be able to afford heartbreaks that will ruin my sleep schedule, productivity, and my gym split. Nothing is really worth it you know. 

And that made me remember even more shit about my father. " يا ارم كل حاجة هتيجي لوحدها "، is he really the reason i became like this? That sentence made me remember that scene from dexter where he went to the person who killed his mother and told him how much that affected him. Nah fuck that bullshit. Did that. Didn't work. I just need to be more obsessed. Making more money. Being busier. But that makes me wonder even more. What will happen when I meet the right person ? I feel like whenever I get too obsessed with the vision I have and the person I want to become. I tend to be too masculine. I tend to be too aggressive. I hate that part of me even more. 

I need to figure myself out more. There are just these certain parts in me that need some homework. Some " oh I need to work on that " type shit. I need to know how to become detached and for my traumas not to take control over me. And for me to stop accepting shit I don't deserve. 

و احب انهي بلوج النهارده ب "حسبي الله و نعم الوكيل