Fear of commitment

The 30 days are almost over. I want this year to end happily. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I hate myself for doing this one specific thing. "Backing up at the very last minute". Instead of me going out on a date tonight. There I sat with my messy hair, red shoes, and my hot chocolate. Instead of having of bouquet of big roses. I had my backpack.

The whole area is full of fucking couples. There I sat. Alone. I'm not sad nor happy I'm just confused. Paul capital business park. At my favorite table there sat a couple and he was talking photos of her. "الله يسهلهم".  
حتي و انا داخلة الحمام اظبط شعري شوية. كان فيه صوت بيبي بيعيط جامد جدا جوا فا عيني جت في عيني الدادا بقولها ايه ده دول بيعذبوا البيبي ولا ايه
قالتلي لا ديه بس بتغيرلها البامبرز و كده عقبالك يا حبيبتي ما تتهني بشبابك و نشوفك بتغيري لبنتك. 

You woman. That made me low-key tear up. I hate that shit I don't know if it's me or my unresolved trauma. Or the love I didn't get while growing up. While he said okay just send me the location whenever you're ready I couldn't help but say "I'm not ready". I'm a fucking pussy. 

I'm not ready for anything. And I'm not trying to look for something that makes me happy, sad, excited or whatever. I feel like I only want peace at the moment. I don't think I have fear or commitment but I think I do.

Since that I'm here. All by myself. I'll do nothing but enjoy the hot chocolate before it gets cold from the shit I'm typing. And I'll get some work done. 
هعمل ايه يعني 
ربنا يرزقني و يرزقكم 

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