Intimacy or a Monster white ?

Let's start this again, I wrote a blog didn't like it, deleted it and starting all over again right now. With my second cup of coffee, listening to "Love 2 u - JMSN" while having no feelings to no one. Let me tell you all about yesterday. Me thinking it will be a great fucking idea to go from October to Elkorba just to get some hot chocolate and enjoy the weather, I had company, "Roza" my fucking sister, I love her and adore her with all my heart, but let's just say that taking her with me that day wasn't the sweetest idea. We went there, started arguing about what to eat, sat there. Should we get hot chocolate?, What should we do next? I was trying to actually get her to talk, but tbh I wasn't in the mood to hear anything. I was even listening to some Frank Sinatra and she was like "why aren't you talking to me and that shit". 

Part of the younger me couldn't understand why older people also wanted to spend time with themselves, why they would hit you with "Let's talk later" or some shit. Now I understand, the only target I have while going out, and actually spend some decent time outside of my fucking home is that I want to look around, fulfill all my fucking senses, listen to some music, watch the people and the shit they're wearing, have some internal jokes that I only get and laughing at them without having to explain them to anyone. I like to sip my coffee and just enjoy that shit. I had fun yesterday, but talking and chatting and that shit was too much for me. 

While strolling down in Elkorba, most of the stores there were jewelry stores, diamonds, gold, silver. "كل ما طاب له قلبك", and I couldn't help but wonder, " where the fuck is my prince charming?" I want someone who we enjoy our time together and even when we shut the fuck up, next time I want to be in Elkorba, I want to be with the LOML, I don't know, someone who I actually enjoy their company. And that shit doesn't happen often. Very few people, I actually like spending time with them. We're talking about maybe three or four. 

Soso Granny, Tota Mama, Iesoo, my fucking 2 year old nephew. Ahlam, my friend of 12 years. I fucking love them with all my heart. But I'm talking about that intimate emotional thing. I don't know. I want to experience that shit, not force it, but enjoy it, when it comes. 

I was thinking about that shit, most of the time yesterday and even while going home, listening to Lu Luena- Elvis Crespo or whatever the fuck, thinking about when will I be a mom, and dance with my baby and my husband, come on !!! Sweetest shit ever, I was too caught up in my head, but that image started to fade away as I was getting closer to going home. Got home. Changed to my fucking black sweatpants and my black t-shirt. Made a cup of hot tea, and had a banana. Getting ready to spend some time alone before going to sleep. In the elevator with my purple blanket, And there it was waiting for me,

عروسة بزفة قدام العمارة و انا نازلة بكباية الشاي و الموزة و شكلي تشوبيد"

Come on, did it really have to be today?

I don't know why I wrote all the shit, it's not even a big deal, to me being in a relationship where I adore the person I'm with sounds like something nearly impossible, a match made for me. Making money or having a business sounds like something easier. بس مافيش حاجة كبيرة علي ربنا.

امبارح و انا بتفرج علي الزفة من بعيد و بتخيل اني فعلا بقيت عروسة. طب هتجوز مين؟ طب بابا ؟ طب معرفش ايه و افكار كتير وسخة ابتدت تملا دماغي بكل بساطة اكلت الموزة و قولت مافيش حاجة بعيدة ولا كبيرة علي ربنا 

"اللهم اني وكلتك امري فا انتا خير وكيل" 

و اتنهت امسيتي اني اخدت توتا بالحضن بحبك يا توتا بحبك يا حازم "اخويا" بحبك يا يوسف "اخويا التاني" و فاكس فيروز مكنتش فايقة و دخلت نمت.

and here I am next morning, not planning to go out on a date, or "get to know someone". I'm only thinking about hitting the gym I mean I really need to. I'm not craving intimacy, I'm craving a monster white instead, take some pump pics while "under your spell" is playing in my headphones. Yes !!! Lessss fucking goooo,