Be My Man

I was about to go out today, but to be honest I wasn't in a good mood, not that I'm feeling sad, but I'm just not "feeling it", and that was one of my new year's resolutions type shit, feels so cringe to even say.

I felt like I really needed to say no this time, like how would you do the same exact shit over and over and over and expect a different outcome. Let's be real. 

Working on my femininity I guess, I don't know never in my life being "not too feminine" actually bothered, I always thought I was cool, with my messy hair and fucked up eyeshadow, two days ago I met a teacher that once taught me when I was 16, her name was Noha. 

نها: عارفة يا ارم علي طول مهاب كان بيقول عليكي حلوة بس بيخاف يقرب منك -

Like be fucking for real, and even when I had fights with "Mr Samer" at work, funniest shit ever, I couldn't help but laugh but also wonder at the same time, Is my attitude really a problem? I know I cuss a lot, I know I'm always up to be my ears but still I can be gentle, kind, and extremely flirty.

Here's what I concluded, that I don't really need to be feminine all the damn time and even not to everybody, I choose who I show that side to. So yea, if you think I'm always too masculine around you? Maybe you're the one who's "too feminine". Damn I really needed to get that out of my system. 

I faced a lot of trauma and shit that made me the way I am today, yet I don't want to give up on my personality and "my way" so you can then like me. Doesn't really matter as long as I adore myself, and even if I'm thinking about changing something about me or the way I talk it will be because "I" want to change, but not waiting for a reaction from you. Fuck you, respectfully, I even want to say it in Arabic but I'm trying to be nice.

But, my dear reader, my too "masculine" side actually disappears when I meet "that person", and I'm happy the way I am, I still listen to romantic songs, I still dance in my room, barefoot and even blush when I listen to "كاظم الساهر", so the problem wasn't really about me or how I acted, it was all around "who do I surround myself with", I'm glad I said "No" today and didn't go out, and definitely glad that I didn't change myself or change anything about me, I can't, I'll just feel like a dead one. And as I talked today about "feminine and masculine" energies and that type of shit, I can't help but remember what Brad Pitt wrote about Angeline Jolie, 

 

"I began to pamper her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised her and pleased her every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends.

You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much. And then I realized one thing: The woman is the reflection of her man. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it

Brad Pitt"

Here you got it Ladies and Gents, Goodnight.