Brad Pitt & Marylin Monroe

Listening to "A song for you - Michael Bublé", well I was trying to talk about something, drifted on to another, me with my cup of coffee and my messy thoughts. Today I was at the gym, didn't perform the best to be honest, still kind of sick.

Notice how we have two sides, the "lock in" kind of person, and the "النفس الامارة بالسوء", that glitch that you just get, where you send that text that you shouldn't have sent, or the call, or something whatever it is that you know it will be the thing that you regret doing when you wake up next morning, well let me tell you I haven't had that glitch in a long time, it's okay, but kind of boring, But at least I'm not regretting anything. 

Cause at the moment, I've set some standards for me to follow, and I've following them blindly. I never say or do anything, unless that it comes out naturally, and effortlessly, and no I'm not sending that "I miss you", just because I want to see if I can still be a manipulator, or that my evil tactics are still in action, or because I'm having a bad day, or that I'm feeling "Empty".

 

One thing I'm happy for at the moment, is how my topics and how my writing has evolved, started out as something meaningless, and blossomed to something that I love doing, and can't for the day to end to start typing and writing and pretending I'm a hotter version of Albert Camus. 

A persona, a timeline, relationships, I've touched some topics, yet one thing I didn't talk much about is how when life starts to slow down, I become grounded, disciplined and I have the smallest circle ever which consists of my family, my strawberry muffins and "عم صبحي", I can't help but notice that I become more attached "not to life" but to god. 

I'm not a saint, more like a sinner, but I'm still a human.

 

و في الاوقات اللي زي ديه بفتكر قد ايه احنا ولا حاجة و ان ساعات بننسا نعمل لاخرتنا, و مش لازم علاقتنا بربنا تبقي متوقفة علي وجود او عدم وجود شخص معين, من اسمي الحاجات اللي ممكن احسها هو انا و انا ساجدة و بعيط من قلبي, دموع تبقي ممزوجة من الندم علي اللي راح و الذنوب اللي الواحد بيعملها علي شوية امل للي جاي. علي طول ماما تقولي يا ارم مافيش احسن من علاقة الواحد بربنا و هي ديه فعلا العلاقة الصح اللي المفروض يشتغل عليها.

"فعلا الواحد في الاخر مالوش غير ربنا"

Why put my manipulation tactics in action? kind of evil, I even kind of hate watching these kinds of reels, cause "If it's meant for me, then it will be", as simple as that. Why do I have to do a plan to get him to commit or how to get his attention and for him to start spoiling me, or how may his childhood had an effect and now he has commitment issues, and tbh I'm just my happiest, even if my day is not the greatest, at least I'm not trying to maintain a relationship "الله اعلم هتنتهي ازاي". I still have my "Brad Pitt & Marylin Monroe" keychain looking at me, whenever I lay them on my desk, which keeps me entertained, I speak to them instead. 

 

I'm excited to what life has to offer, what kind of people I'll meet, and how much money will my husband be making "I'm joking, not really", hopefully he's just someone funny, a person that fills me with laughter, joy and true amusement. I remember writing something when I was a bit younger, it went like: 

"I'm capable of loving myself the way I deserve to be loved, And that person will be a metaphor of how I love myself, in a mature way" 9th, Sep, 2023, I already feel like I went through this, a lot of times, but surely this time I won't glitch, and I'll slow down, analyze and stop taking reckless unmeasured actions, cause I always felt like there was something missing, which was slowing down. 

I can't help but end today's blog with "يا مسهل الحال يارب" and a picture of the hotter version of Albert Camus.