Make The World Go Away

 Currently listening to "I'm Your Man - Leonard Cohen", finished my coffee already, thinking of making another cup, one of the things that I loved to watch was the "Dior Homme Ad, where it featured that song", one thing that I really liked about it was the black leather bomber jacket Robert Pattinson was wearing.

Anyways there was something that's been on my mind for the past couple of days, "Am I insane?". "يا ارم ابوس ايدك اثبتي علي موقف", and it got me wondering, are we suppose to compress, hide and even pretend?, or was it something else, that sentence was said by one my dearest closest friends, life is about living correct? I've always thought that you should do what you feel like doing whenever and however, turns out to be the opposite, and a new perspective was born, to be free is to be able to "differentiate", you just don't do things that you feel like doing. A question would then pop up in my head "what is it for me?". 

I was just talking to my strawberry muffins, in a moment of silence I hit her with, "I can't regret anything but that I've deceived myself in ways I didn't even know I can". That made me wonder even more, if we go back in time, would I repeat the same mistakes, and still be a slave to that never ending loop of bullshit, shit that just consumes me and gets the worst out of me to the surface, currently it's no longer about resisting, but about not caring at all, you just don't care. 

And as I was sick today, I couldn't help but scroll down to memories and seeing how I used to dance and sing in my mom's car, how I had taken care of my plants, and how I used to ride my bicycle around the block, how I danced while listening to "Make The World Go Away - Duffy As Timi Yuro" in my apartment . Right now, my mom sold that car, all my plants are dead, and my bicycle tires are low, and I moved out. And I couldn't help but notice that "Damn I've gained a lot of muscle cause along the memories was pump and gym pics". And as desperate as the last paragraph sounded, I feel completely the opposite, not particularly the happiest, but I feel at ease, with my life and myself, trust, believe that the best is only yet to come, with nothing but the best, you know why.  "علشان انا استاهل". 

I had this weird feeling for the first time ever, I saw that curly headed girl watering her plants and taking videos and pics in her old balcony, I didn't feel like her, as if we don't relate anymore, I couldn't help but smile and let it in. I didn't became a worse or a better person, it's that I've just gone through some things that took away that part of me, and in return a new personality was born. I'm not mad, not happy, that's just part of the journey. 

Made me think of even how snakes sometimes shed their skin, and how caterpillars transform into butterflies, pure transformation, a change is made after a moment of realization. I may sound really desperate and as if I'm going through a lot but to be honest I'm doing fucking amazing, apart from being sick but listening to Bailando and I can't help but think of the new memories and the new experiences I'll gain, and after some years I'll be writing a similar blog, with "damn I've gained a lot more muscle". I can't state that, "اللي راح يجي اللي احسن و اللي اكتر منه" if I don't believe in it. 

"انا استاهل"