Nile City

 One of the things that I didn't expect was to miss writing that much, I went out today after my exam, strolled all the way to "Wust Elbalad" while listening to Beuna Vista Social Club, It was a good day, I didn't feel lonely even tho I was alone, I had a good time which was very unexpected, I needed to go there to buy a new adaptor for my Laptop, cause again I missed writing. 

I couldn't help but remember all the memories and good times I have there, من وسط البلد للزمالك و واحد شاورما من شارع الحمرا, و واحد قهوة مانو علشان زهقت من السادة, افتكرت حاجات كتير اوي و انا هناك منها انا و بابا و احنا بنتسحر في وسط البلد قبل كده, قعدنا يوميها نتمشي كتير و فاكرة و هو بيقولي ياه يا ارم انتي بتحسسيني كاني بحب من اول و جديد.

علي قد ما انا كنت مبسوطة النهارده حسيت ان لسه فيه حاجة معكننة عليا اليوم, خدت بعضي و روحت صليت ركعتين في مسجد ابو بكر   الصديق. و اخدتني رجلي بعدها لحد الزمالك. 

    And I was walking I couldn't help but remember the memories and the songs, thought of getting that rabbit scooter but I don't want to fall again. My knees are still bruised from the last time I tried ridding it, anyways, a scene that was still replaying in the back of my mind, but simply maybe, they're just meant to be there, with no explanation, no point and definitely no closure, I wasn't my happiest or in other words I wasn't laughing my ass off with somebody I was observing the streets, the people, what they're wearing, and the traffic, I was enjoying my time, alone. Remember when I mentioned that I'm a firm believer of that sentence from "Microphone - the movie"? "لازم الواحد يعيش كده بشوية زعل في حياته" 

Maybe that's truly the case, it wasn't my first time praying in that mosque, but my second. this time, repellent, regretful, sinful but aware. 

Maturing isn't only about "fucking up and finding out" but it's also about trying to stay away from the shit that take away from your soul and fuck up with your energy. Weak, I come back wanting more, but that can't be the case, a cycle needs to be broken, freed from the same loop, resisting, yet the agony is almost addicting. But I need something that would open my eyes and soul to life not fuck my life over, afraid and feeling like shit. 

و سبحان لله من اكتر الاغاني اللي بحبها و بكرها في نفس الوقت مطرحك بقلبي بتاعت ماجدة الرومي, اغنية تفتح نفسك علي الدنيا, تحس انك تبقي عايز تاخد بايد اللي بتحبه و تجروا في الفسح و الدنيا تبقي كلها قدامكوا, الدنيا ديه لينا بحالها. لحد ما تقول "و انا بلا حبك بادو يفضا قلبي". و بالذات بقي الحته بتاعت "عيوني ما بتخبي".

طب ما انا فعلا عيوني ما بتخبي, بفتكر تيتا علي طول و هي بتقولي يا ارم انتي اقل كلمة تفرحك و اقل كلمة تجرحك و بتصعب عليا نفسي لاني في اللحظات ديه بدرك و بفتكر بس قد ايه انا هاشة و حساسة و ده بقي اكتر جنب مني مش بحب اواريه لاي حد.

انا الدنيا قدامي, الدنيا كلها بحالها لسه ليا انا, عيوني ما بتخبي, و طز وقت ما اعيط اعيط و وقت ما ابقي سعيدة افرح ولا كاني عريس في زفة. ربنا يهديني و يسترها عليا