20's crisis

I did write today, after two blogs, after carefully evaluating and reading them, I decided not to share them, I don't feel frustrated that I didn't post them, instead I'm trying to improve what I'm writing, I know that at the end, it's me and 3 others who are viewing and reading whatever the shit I'm writing. The point is that I'm not writing to impress, I'm writing because I truly enjoy that shit. Well, it's not typically 3, I once had around 44 views, but I still enjoy it.  "Then, you remember who the fuck are you" type of feeling, that I'm feeling right now, nothing feels better than knowing that you're hitting new PR's, you have money in the bank, and no one is stressing you out. No anxiety of "when will he call", "why he didn't text back". كنت في النادي لسه طالعة من تمرينة رجل و الدنيا حلوة, بتفرج علي ماتش مصر و مش عارفة مين كلهم سود كده كده, و اتعرفت علي الاء. بنت لطيفة محجبة زي العسل خريجة هندسة. ا...

 "Transform - Daniel Caesar", I don't know I never liked these types of songs, but here I am trying something new. "Yea This is what I want to do with my life", A question that's been on my mind for a while now. A hot while, ever since I was working at Intelcia, Is this really I want to be doing "call center ass shit?". A now it's been nearly a month since I started working in real estate, I really hate that "there's a lot of wasted fucking time, you know? You girl here wants at least 2 fucking days off per week."بس لو عايز حاجة محتاج تضحي". Damn that "transform" shit is so bad. 0/10. Listening to "Over -Lucky Daye" fucking love it. Always been my go to song when I want to feel something. The last few days have been really weird for me. I'm the youngest there at the floor, I still don't know what the fuck I'll spend my life doing to be honest. Switching between multiple jobs, still figuring out...

 "It Had To Be You- Frank Sinatra", Imagine this, a person you had a relationship with, you stayed as long as you possibly can together. Whenever you try and finally move on with your life, whenever you start to get them out of your head, you suddenly smell their scent somewhere, hear their name, or maybe even dream about them. They'll appear in your cup of coffee or a song you love. And when you're just about to finally get over them, here they are again. Back at you.  I don't know, will "we" ever be able to get over "that" specific person? I just know that this paragraph that I wrote, reminded you of them. That one specific fucking face. Was trying to perfect my recipe for my winter hot chocolate, where it doesn't taste too dull, too sweet, not too thick, not too watery. Was even listening to some Jazz in the kitchen while doing so. But I wondered why the hell do "that face" is back at your life again, when you've just start...

As the usual, sipping my double shot. Getting ready for an extremely juicy workout. I want to hit a new pr for my deadlift today. I can confidently say that I'm able to just walk into the coffee ahh shop and say "my regular". They already know what I'm about to order.  Peace over chaos. Fucking love this sentence. As I was strolling down the streets of downtown yesterday. Been a long time since I enjoyed spending some time with my friends. Laughed from my heart for real. But hey we're locking in again. I mean I almost forgot how important it was to have a social life, some friends that you can show your weird side to. "يارب ديمها نعمة"  An amazing fucking day. I was happy for my girl "سنجاب" her ass dropped her first song on Spotify. Damn. عيالي و الدمعة في عيني. I hate to mention this but you know something. "Instead of being a bouncy ball you have to a brick sometimes". At least. I dreamt of this sentence a couple of days ago. Idk. ...

 "Listening to the world we knew - Frank Sinatra", I don't know, I didn't feel like listening to Phonk or Rap, I was feeling like a sad lover girl, except that I'm not sad and I'm definitely not a lover. I'm a real nigga as we discussed before. I feel like I need to focus on Uni, or that's what "Tota" says. I'm not drinking anything at the moment, but lowkey craving some coffee, I don't want to be a caffeine abuser.  See what I'm referring to here, sometimes we "want" to do something, but "doing" it, isn't actually what's best for us. One of the struggles I'm facing as a 20 year old "nearly" is to know "what to do", "what do I think I need to do", sometimes you think there's no harm, you know ? if you do this one little thing. For example, texting that curly headed girl you liked, not knowing that "maybe", it will be "yet maybe" a huge mistake. Y...

I can feel my evil ass coming back, and I've never been more excited. Yesterday I was at the gym, a girl tapped my shoulder to ask "how long have you been going to the gym for?", and I hid that big ass smile cause "انا كاريزما جدا", I was fucking happy, she hit me with "لا باين عليكي فاهمة بتعملي ايه يعني", yes baby, I have two side chicks , side chick number one is "progress overload", side chick number two is "muscle to mind connection", I mean I don't look THAT big in real life, but for sure I can FEEL a huge fucking difference and to me that's more than enough.  Speaking of side chicks, I always feel like guys place women they know in their lives, as the "wifey" or "not wifey" categories, I mean valid, I know for sure from the very first fucking start whether he is a yes or a no, it's always black or white, fuck them grey shit. I mean a lot of girls my age also have "guy" bestfriends, na...

Let's start this again, I wrote a blog didn't like it, deleted it and starting all over again right now. With my second cup of coffee, listening to "Love 2 u - JMSN" while having no feelings to no one. Let me tell you all about yesterday. Me thinking it will be a great fucking idea to go from October to Elkorba just to get some hot chocolate and enjoy the weather, I had company, "Roza" my fucking sister, I love her and adore her with all my heart, but let's just say that taking her with me that day wasn't the sweetest idea. We went there, started arguing about what to eat, sat there. Should we get hot chocolate?, What should we do next? I was trying to actually get her to talk, but tbh I wasn't in the mood to hear anything. I was even listening to some Frank Sinatra and she was like "why aren't you talking to me and that shit".  Part of the younger me couldn't understand why older people also wanted to spend time with themselves...

It was a good day. Some espresso enjoyed my time and had fun. I felt like something somehow was still missing.  I don't know. A lot of shit inside of me is still complicated. I need some fixing. But fixing right now doesn't sound like a great idea. I just need to build more muscle. Make more cash. That sounds like a good deal.  I'm only thinking about going home, some food and great amount of fucking sleep. Cause I have a lot of work in the morning. I still don't know where I'm heading with life. Looking for a career looking for a husband. Looking for work or life balance. A full timer or a student. Choices are there but I still don't know which to choose. I'm thinking about everything all at once where my head feels as if it's on fire.  I don't want to overcomplicate things. Or take shit recklessly without thinking.  غرقانة في شبر مياة. 

The 30 days are almost over. I want this year to end happily. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I hate myself for doing this one specific thing. "Backing up at the very last minute". Instead of me going out on a date tonight. There I sat with my messy hair, red shoes, and my hot chocolate. Instead of having of bouquet of big roses. I had my backpack. The whole area is full of fucking couples. There I sat. Alone. I'm not sad nor happy I'm just confused. Paul capital business park. At my favorite table there sat a couple and he was talking photos of her. "الله يسهلهم".   حتي و انا داخلة الحمام اظبط شعري شوية. كان فيه صوت بيبي بيعيط جامد جدا جوا فا عيني جت في عيني الدادا بقولها ايه ده دول بيعذبوا البيبي ولا ايه قالتلي لا ديه بس بتغيرلها البامبرز و كده عقبالك يا حبيبتي ما تتهني بشبابك و نشوفك بتغيري لبنتك.  You woman. That made me low-key tear up. I hate that shit I don't know if it's me or my unresolved trauma. Or the love I didn't ge...

 After a long day of saving Gotham, Catwoman deserved a fucking treat and there I sat, with my سندوتش بطاطس و طبق فول بالليمون, و حبست بعدها ب شاي. That was nice and as I said yesterday that I really wanted to listen to some "شفيقة", I sat, enjoyed the cold chilly weather, while drinking some tea. The original plan was to go to Paul at Capital Business Park, and enjoy some hot chocolate, but the shit was nice too.  Here's something about me, I like to experience everything, for example I have no problem enjoying some "فول و طعمية", في مكان شعبي مثلا or a very fancy dinner. The main point isn't about the food or how much I'll be paying or whatever the fuck, it's about that internal feeling, for example, in a very long time, I actually enjoyed some time with myself and maybe even square one didn't feel like such a big deal, in a very long time, I felt at peace with myself. I hate to say this, but I'm craving some intimacy, I want to experience ...

you know what they say, if you can make her laugh then you can, nah I'm joking. I'm not sipping coffee this time, however in bed, with my "خمسينة", after the juiciest Koshary. As I was feeling down yesterday, I still had hope, and that's not something that I quite do, let me explain.  Whenever I face fuck ass shit in my life, I tend to "be a pussy", what I mean by that is that I don't try to resist, I don't even try to resist, and even if it's not that big of a deal, in my head it's a matter of life and death. Shit like that crushes me, but as soon as I realize that what the fuck is happening, it's already too late, I've already lost it you know.  Today and yesterday, were kind of hard, I was feeling down, instead of being a pussy "I'm not ashamed to be a pussy, I just don't like to be a pussy all the time", I didn't cry, I held my tears, and said okay cunt let's figure something out. And "سبحان الله...

Am I really a pussy ? I hate that feeling. It's how I'm feeling right now. Action less. احساس ان الواحد صعبان عليه نفسه. بكره اوي منظري و شكلي و الاحساس اللي بحسه و انا راكبة الميكروباص بجد يلعن ابو  كده. هو ده بجد نوع التعب و الخرا اللي المفروض اعدي بيه علشان اي نعم اوصل اللي انا عايزاه ؟ و كمان انا مشكلتي مش فاهمة ليه فيه حاجات معينة بتحصل معايا. مش ببقي عارفة هل هو تقصير مني ولا انا فعلا نصيبي في الحاجة ديه لسه مجاش.  I feel so behind in life. As if I achieved nothing. It's this extreme feeling that I'm not doing anything correctly or accordingly. Today there I sat at Paul Capital Business Park. Wondering where life is going to take me. Sipping my double espresso while I look at people. Enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my leather jacket and even on my hair. I feel way behind. But if you think about it I'm only 19. What is even expected of me but to do well in uni and that shit. But here comes the problem. That conflict between me and myself. I need to prove myse...

 Nah, this shit is getting boring, I still feel my prime coming soon, today is a good day to be honest. I think today is the 14th or the 15th I don't really know. Yesterday was a very juicy workout. Kind of excited for tmrw, I try and clock out and then go to the gym, I don't want to be skipping any shit.  Problem is I'm free after 8pm and then the gym closes around 10:30, so I still don't know about that. I'm glad I'm still consistent in the gym till now, How many days do we have till the start of 2026, 27 days, meaning that we still have 27 days, to hit the target, not only that but to see how much muscle we've gained since July, well that would be interesting. And from now till the first of the year I'll be tracking everything I'll be doing, food, work, gym, that kind of shit. Yea, خير ان شاء الله, kind of excited ngl.  Spotify wrapped the whole year for me, I spent around 46,000 minutes listening to music, that's like 30 days, I even switched...

Overstimulated is how I feel. A walk in the aisle and then some juicy juicy pizza and then fucking chest day. تمرينة زي الزفت الصراحة. My favorite dumbbell was not there, unfortunately. Nah I'm messing around. I feel good today. I abused caffeine today. Unlike yesterday my fucking mind is about to crack. Full of ideas yet. Messy as usual.  I'm so fucking proud, yesterday I hit a new PR. 70 fucking kilos on the deadlift. Not only that but 80 fucking kilos on them hip thrusts. لو هتجوز مش هبقي مبسوطة كده. Some juicy chicken is waiting for me at home followed by a lot of work and then a long night call from my loving boyfriend. Nah I'm messing around. حرفيا هقرأ اذكار المساء و انام.  Let me tell you about the " choose your people". A great saying from my dearest friend. Choose your people. People who fill your life with true joy. People who truly believe in you. And their presence is actually a fucking blessing. Not people who fuck with your energy and waste your fuc...

3rd of Decemeber. A very juicy workout is waiting for me. Sipping my coffee. I always see that I don't like "routine" but I don't know. Am I really. I'm craving some little action action in my life. I'm want to go out on a date. You know. Do something fun.  While sipping my double shot espresso I noticed this little cutie patotie girl. She was wearing them bunny headset or whatever the fuck they're called. I want a fucking kid. I almost shed a tear while waving at her. I miss my little Emma. Damn i want children and lots of puppies. But I want leather jackets and a mustang first. Actually a couple of weeks ago I was thinking of adopting a dog. But I can't handle all of the barking and shitting.   Someone asked me out a couple of hours ago. I don't know. I still said no. But I remember always wanting to be older so that I go out, put on makeup and you know what ladies do. Like that was my vision as a fucking kid. I can't believe I'm turning ...

Fuck that shit, I was about to feel desperate and shit, pulled myself together, listening to Pitbull, Hey baby are you from ghetto, cause I'm trynna ghetto a piece of that CULOOOO, tmrw, I need to get shit done. So I'm mentally preparing for that, in addition to that a very juicy workout waiting for me.  I'm even going out on Thursday, yea kinda of excited for that, "هعمل قلق في زايد" literally, "ربنا يستر", I'm picking out the outfit already, and how will I have my hair looking like. Tbh, I was not feeling the best today, but I'm not trying to let that happen tmrw, I don't feel sad, I just feel restless, so that's why after writing this blog, I'll be making a very juicy meal, chicken, some gravvvvy, yea I'm drooling already, afterwards, thinking of watching a movie next to some diet coke.  I don't feel like writing anything today, I mean there's nothing specific on my mind right now, nothing that I want to specifically wr...

I don't know what to name this blog. Should I call it "leg day" nah that's too basic. Sipping my double shot espresso. And strangely enough when I was ordering a lady was at the cashier with her kids.  طنط: ايه ده انتي بتشربيه ازاي تقيل اوي انا: بقولك ايه ده بقي مع سجارة علي الريق كده حوار طنط: اه ما انا جوزي بيعمل كده بردو. حضرتك بتدخني ؟  انا: لا انا كنت بهزر مع حضرتك يا حبيبتي اه والله  ابنها: ايه ده يا ماما هي طنط بتشرب سجاير؟  لا يا حبيبي ديه كانت بتهزر معايا.  والله فرصة سعيدة انا اسعد و الجو ده   And tbh there was this huge ass smile while talking to that lady. Funny interacton. A couple of minutes before that.  كنت بصلي العصر في الجامع فا ست عجوزة دخلت بقولها نصلي جماعة قالتلي يلا و بتاع. صلينا الحمدلله بقولها انتي بتعملي ايه هنا بقي.  قالتلي جاية هنا علشان الجاكوزي.  ااه الجااااكوزي. هو ده الكلااااام.  Yea today was a great fucking day. Had a quiz at uni. The exam started 10:30 am. But me being Iram. I went there 11:03 am. ...