20's crisis

Listening to "A song for you - Michael Bublé", well I was trying to talk about something, drifted on to another, me with my cup of coffee and my messy thoughts. Today I was at the gym, didn't perform the best to be honest, still kind of sick. Notice how we have two sides, the "lock in" kind of person, and the "النفس الامارة بالسوء", that glitch that you just get, where you send that text that you shouldn't have sent, or the call, or something whatever it is that you know it will be the thing that you regret doing when you wake up next morning, well let me tell you I haven't had that glitch in a long time, it's okay, but kind of boring, But at least I'm not regretting anything.  Cause at the moment, I've set some standards for me to follow, and I've following them blindly. I never say or do anything, unless that it comes out naturally, and effortlessly, and no I'm not sending that "I miss you", just because I want t...

 Listening to "Hundred Dollar Bill - Lana Del Rey", sipping my Birell from the chicest wine glass I could find. Strangely enough my last blog got more views than what I anticipated. I feel like I'm always too rational, always too driven by emotions, yesterday something happened, I thought I was going to go all insane, and even curse, but I just couldn't get myself to care. You know, sometimes when you want something so bad, but running too much after it, doesn't make it worth it anymore. "Just too much effort for not so much results", "صفقة خسرانة". I was thinking today about whether or not validation is related to dopamine, or maybe even related to "self worth"? As I mentioned I'm drinking Birell, but I didn't always like how it tasted, my father was always the one who would get it,  فاكرة حتي و انا صغيرة كان يقولي اه يا ارم اصلها كويسة علشان الكلي و الحصاوي و كلام كبير كده بابا هات بق - As I got older, it became a habit of m...

I was going to talk about something, but as the day passed, my mood changed and now there's this thing that I really, need and definitely have to get out of my system. Sipping my coke in a fancy glass from "النيش", and listening to "Summertime - Sidney Bechet". A past encounter that happened a couple of weeks ago, only tonight I had thought of it. يا ارم اسمعي لازم تسمعي -  كنت خاطب يا جماعة فا كنت جايبلها بتاع ميت الف جنيه دهب قالتلي عايزة خاتم سوليتير قولت استنصح و اجيبلها نفس الديزاين بس مش البراند و هوفر بتاع كام الف كده فا المهم سيبنا بعض, راحت تبيع الخاتم في المحل اللي بجد "اصلها كانت فكراه اصلي, و بعدين راح المحل قفل عليها قالولها انتي حرامية و كانت هيطلبوا البوليس هاهاهاهاهاااا و اصلا بنت ال كانت بتخوني ايه ديه بنت ال هاهاهاهاهااا. That guy who was talking, I never really quite liked him and I was definitely trying to avoid any conversations or even eye contact with him, he just always gave me the ick.    ارم مش بتقفي معانا ليه يا ارم -    سوري والل...

 Sipping my coffee as the regular and listening to "Maldito Cabaret - Los Pamperos", which is one of my favorite songs ever, last time I posted a blog, linked it to a Chatgpt prompt, so hey, tell me what is it that I'm facing from a phycological perspective, "still I don't think I'm Bipolar", but I'm just someone who's sensitive and tries to hide it, someone who is driven by emotions and then I judge myself in the sanist and most analytical ways possible, with a great sense of attachment to places and songs. Well it did make sense.  Till it mentioned, "push pull", I thought that was my gym split till I realized that it was talking about my relationship dynamics, push them away and pull them back. I was thinking about lots of things in the past few days, and why some of "my planned shit in life" didn't turn out the way I expected it to be, and tbh some things turned out way better than what I expected and I just hate that I...

 Currently listening to "I'm Your Man - Leonard Cohen", finished my coffee already, thinking of making another cup, one of the things that I loved to watch was the "Dior Homme Ad, where it featured that song", one thing that I really liked about it was the black leather bomber jacket Robert Pattinson was wearing. Anyways there was something that's been on my mind for the past couple of days, "Am I insane?". "يا ارم ابوس ايدك اثبتي علي موقف", and it got me wondering, are we suppose to compress, hide and even pretend?, or was it something else, that sentence was said by one my dearest closest friends, life is about living correct? I've always thought that you should do what you feel like doing whenever and however, turns out to be the opposite, and a new perspective was born, to be free is to be able to "differentiate", you just don't do things that you feel like doing. A question would then pop up in my head "what is...

 One of the things that I didn't expect was to miss writing that much, I went out today after my exam, strolled all the way to "Wust Elbalad" while listening to Beuna Vista Social Club, It was a good day, I didn't feel lonely even tho I was alone, I had a good time which was very unexpected, I needed to go there to buy a new adaptor for my Laptop, cause again I missed writing.  I couldn't help but remember all the memories and good times I have there, من وسط البلد للزمالك و واحد شاورما من شارع الحمرا, و واحد قهوة مانو علشان زهقت من السادة, افتكرت حاجات كتير اوي و انا هناك منها انا و بابا و احنا بنتسحر في وسط البلد قبل كده, قعدنا يوميها نتمشي كتير و فاكرة و هو بيقولي ياه يا ارم انتي بتحسسيني كاني بحب من اول و جديد. علي قد ما انا كنت مبسوطة النهارده حسيت ان لسه فيه حاجة معكننة عليا اليوم, خدت بعضي و روحت صليت ركعتين في مسجد ابو بكر   الصديق. و اخدتني رجلي بعدها لحد الزمالك.      And I was walking I couldn't help but remember the memories and the songs, t...

I was about to go out today, but to be honest I wasn't in a good mood, not that I'm feeling sad, but I'm just not "feeling it", and that was one of my new year's resolutions type shit, feels so cringe to even say. I felt like I really needed to say no this time, like how would you do the same exact shit over and over and over and expect a different outcome. Let's be real.  Working on my femininity I guess, I don't know never in my life being "not too feminine" actually bothered, I always thought I was cool, with my messy hair and fucked up eyeshadow, two days ago I met a teacher that once taught me when I was 16, her name was Noha.  نها: عارفة يا ارم علي طول مهاب كان بيقول عليكي حلوة بس بيخاف يقرب منك - Like be fucking for real, and even when I had fights with "Mr Samer" at work, funniest shit ever, I couldn't help but laugh but also wonder at the same time, Is my attitude really a problem? I know I cuss a lot, I know I'm al...

 The 2025 season has come to an end, finally, cause you know I never fucked up myself like that, ever before. "Peak Unemployment is what I'm facing right", I don't want to renew my Anghami subscription so I won't feel like I'm wasting money. C'mon, one thing that I don't want to be facing during the new year is "having only one source of income", that shit is bad, having zero source of income like what I'm facing right now makes me feel powerless AF, and unfortunately I'm a lady with taste, so buying shit "sometimes expensive" is part of my personality. I have money saved up, but I want "Cash Flow". Damn, actually going through different fields in my life, from petroleum engineering and spending hours onsite to being a fuckass call center agent, and even a real estate sales agent studying health information technology, I feel like I need to add some business terms and shit into my life. Last year was all about lear...