20's crisis

12th day, I lost count yesterday thought it was day 10 while it was the11th, strangely enough something happened yesterday that did put me in a good mood for the rest of the fucking night, and no it wasn't that the coffee guy or whatever the fuck he is, gave an extra cake next to my espresso, it was something else. A new PR.  Currently in bed, sipping coffee, as usual, listening to a little something something, idk I feel good. Chantaje by Shakira, "صدور الدجاج مستنياني اكلها", some freaky chicken for real. Life's good. "الحمدلله". I just have some assignments and work that I need to get done, so that's what I'll be working on. And speaking of Shakira, I remember my favorite song was "Loca" when I was in 4th grade, and speaking about Shakira again, let me tell you about the 2nd day at Dahab with my girlies, it was the four of us, and it was me who suggested that we go in this restaurant so we can see what was this "Batchata" all a...

Today is my 10th day of writing a blog each day for 30 days straight. Sipping coffee and getting ready for a full body workout, it's been around 10 days since I hit the gym. So here I am.  Wake up. Scrolled and worked on something for quite some time. And then I was stopped by that video of Arwa Gouda, dancing at her wedding. And strangely enough there was this huge ass smile drawn on my face. يمكن انا فعلا عايزة اشوف تيتا و هي بتغني في فرحي يتربي في عزه حمادة عزة. Or whatever the fuck tota was thinking of. Idk when I was getting ready I started to play some "افرحي يا عروسة انا العريس " while Infact there's no "عريس" and it's just me and my gym bag in my room. So I spent around 15 mins just dancing to some Egyptian wedding songs. Yea that was nice. I love my solitude so much. But I'm just too of a pussy to let someone completely into my life.  And while writing this " how high is the moon - chet baker" followed by " come prima - dalida...

After a day long of crying and listening to sad songs so that "I can feel something" it's safe to say to mission completed successfully. Right now, sipping my coffee at dunkin. While listening to some Frank Sinatra. Still trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I woke up today and I wrote the most depressing, pathetic ass blog post ever, decided not to post it eventually cause what the fuck was that. What the fuck was that night even about. But for the ass part. Here you go. I've been feeling unworthy, under appreciated and mostly desperate. Maybe it was my daddy issues that made me see myself in such way. I hate truly that part of me. And I hate it even more when it starts to take control of me. But here I am trying to manage everything. For the past 1 and half year. I completely drifted away from my true self and accepted things I don't even deserve. All I could hear for right now is my grandma's voice of her saying, "يا ارم فوقي ...

8th day. Damn I like that's been over a week since I started writing about this. Makes me happy tbh. A lot has been on my mind. But right now I don't have a specific topic that I want to write about. Just started the day. And got caffeine in. I kind of hate planning. You know, cause even if you plan. You have no idea what will end up happening so instead of planning what to do, and what not to do. Just do what you have to do "as of work" and then pray and have faith that I'll end up well.  I miss the days where I finished my shift around 5am, have the juiciest workout around 6am where It was no one but me, myself and I. And then I could freely try the "get me your manager" workout. Something that I really want to try is the "skin the cat" and tbh I've been doing really great dips in the past few workouts. I'd finish my workout and then do some knee tucks and leg raises. Finished by dips and dead hang. Goddamn. I really need to hit the g...

 Today marks the 7th day of writing a blog each day for 30 days straight. I'm still a rolling stone, nothing on my mind, got my Cerelac, it's for 3+ months, so yea I'm 228 months old, eligible !! Still a lot going on inside my head, a car, lots of cash and some juicy biceps, nothing makes me happier than seeing them pop from my shirt. Anyways something weird really happened today, was talking with my mom, "my beautiful Tota", and then she hits me with "ايه ده يا رورو عايزة افرح بيكي و تيتا تغني في فرحك يتربي في عزه حمادة عزه," Goddamn, a very weird feeling then hit me, some kind of pressure. Damn "للدرجة يا توتا باكل صدور فا عايزة تخلصي مني بسرعة اوي كده, حتي حازم بقي يقولي هتتجوزي امتي يبت". I couldn't help but reply with "ادعيلي اعمل فلوس كتير الاول بس". Went straight to my room and then started to flex, I have juicy biceps, why would I need a man?, Nah, I'm joking I'm just waiting for the right time, a the right amount ...

 Nothing much is on my mind, الحمدلله it's not one of those day where I feel like my fucking brain is on fire. I just feel like I need to go heavier with my liner and my fucking weight. Last time I hit a PR with a girl I met at the gym "'Esraa" a sweet soul who studies physical therapy "هستغلها وش". I hit around 70 of hip thrusts excluding the bar, I don't know how much it weighs. Another thing that I was extremely excited about was that little vein on my right bicep. Goddamn lawd have mercy I was feeling big af Lat pulling 30KGS. Still I can't do a fucking pull up "super sad".  I've been thinking of learning some boxing, kick boxing or sth some Kung Fu ass shit. For the past couple of weeks I've been eating like a fucking DAWG I nearly reached 55KGs but I stopped eating 5 days ago. دور البرد اللي كان مستنيني. اه يا وجع القلب. I still dream about that big ass closet that's waiting for me. And them Mexican boots. I'm not prou...

Today marks the fifth day of writing a blog each day for 30 days straight. I wanted to sleep my ass just a few minutes ago before starting to write this but to be honest what got me out of bed is that I wanted to make sure this gets posted before it hits 12 am. Today was honestly a hard long day too, still a special day to my heart.  This same day, a year ago I started my first job ever, and goddamn lord have mercy. It wasn't the work load but the shit ass I've seen there. While sipping my hot black coffee I couldn't help but wonder and remember most of the memories I had there. In the one and only beloved "Intelcia". It started with me thinking it was a real ass job and me showing up, first day ever wearing a fucking white cotton shirt. "تقريبا كنت فاكرة نفسي هشتغل في بنك". well and also kind of started a little before that. Me going to the weirdest nastiest places in "Giza" so I can get my "كعب العمل و لبن العصفور اه". I had the gre...

 5th day, woke up got ready heavy liner as usual. Coffee ready. Yea missed that shit. Tbh I don't have any expectations. A couple of days ago stumbled across this reel. شيخ قال غمض عينك و فضل يقول الله اكبر بتاع تلت دقايق. و بجد هو فعلا الواحد محتاج ايه تاني. الله اكبر من اي حاجة. And then any doubt, any rage, any fear just evaporated. So yea. Take that as a reminder "الله I don't have much on my mind at the moment. Nor a specific thing that I want to talk about. But one thing that I remembered this morning was the joy I felt whenever I had a trip at school or sth that I was genuinely excited about. I remember when I was 10 or sth we had this trip to this scientific ass place I don't really remember the name. More like a museum.  The night of the trip damn your little lad couldn't sleep from how excited she was. I remember we didn't even use WhatsApp to chat. We used fucking Viber. I didn't have a blackberry but a fucking red Nokia X. Nigga damn I miss thes...

 Fourth day in this blog post shit. There isn't much on my mind like the days before, feels like I just had to vent out what was on my mind so I can think clearly. Tbh there's this mindset that I want to adapt. It's the "Stop being a fucking PHHHHUUSSSYYY" and please stress on the P. I don't have anything that's bothering me or fucking with my peace "الحمدلله", but one thing that still keeps me up at night, that BIG fucking ass closet that I'm craving. Filled with a lot and by a lot I mean like twenty plus leather jackets, a collection of watches, belts and some nice ass Mexican boots that have the little metal chain around them.  I love getting ready, some music in the background, a drink on the vanity poured into a very chic expensive looking glass من النيش طيعا and me standing there just getting ready and enjoying these moments, why I'm mentioning this?, oh yes, for the next couple of months that's all I'm going to be doing, ge...

 Hello, It's me again. يا الله that sounds so desperate. On the sofa, but it's another day, "Tehran Nights at Café Chattanooga" - Farsi Jazz, I may have discovered a new kind of jazz which is a fusion between the regular jazz we all know about and the Andalusian or Farsi twist to it. Great discovery !! So about the 30 day challenge type shit, Well, It starts with "having a vision of exactly how you want to be, and be seen", added to my todo list for today. To do lists ? It's been eight years since I did that. Maybe that's why I waste so much time, I tend to forget what is it that I need to get done.  Regarding "This Thing" that's in my life right now, oh don't worry it's not a person, الحمدلله, well it's something that requires discipline, dedication, integrity and of course accountability. It's all about showing up everyday, bouncing back "resilience", and proving myself. It's a decision that I've take...

 I can't help but lay, rot, doom scroll, and waste my potential. These few days that pass like ages, I tend to hang on to memories, vivid dreams and weird fantasies. Coffee all day long, sleepless, restless. Bored, action-less "if that's even a word", wasted potential, wasted time.  A lot have been on my mind recently. I'm in a point in my life that I can't go on yet I've given up on a life that used to bother me. Yet, too "PUSSY" to yk start living to my full potential. Today, was tied all daylong to my bed, rotting and watching self help, character development "how to change your life in 30 days" reels typ shyt on Instagram, these day when these videos start to sound like a fucking joke. "How to be the best version of yourself" that's the one that really bothers me the most, Why would I want to change my life and be unrecognizable ? Why would I want to do that? Is it because that I already like myself and like how I am, ...

 I never really though I'd be writing ever in my life, openly. So, a brief of who am I. My name, I'll mention that later. A 20 year old from Cairo, Egypt. Facing life, growing up, learning and indeed suffering. One of the main things of why I wanted to start writing about this is because I want to romanticize my life and maybe have an overview so I can take clearer actions. What is life? What do I need to do in order to be successful, accomplished and happy? How can I still enjoy life while not feeling bad about certain things.  One thought that  just occurred to me while writing this is that I want to be just like Carrie Bradshaw while writing her columns. I can't help but wonder what is it that's preventing me from enjoying life to the core. I want to experience life, not wait for a certain lifestyle or a certain amount in the bank so I can then start to know what "living" feels like.  A 20 year old girl, living in Cairo. curly hard headed, full of rage stil...